Pieces of Me – Checking In

Dear Diary,

It has been 72 days, 10 weeks and 2 days, of shelter in place due to COVID-19. At first, I thoroughly enjoyed staying at home and deep cleaning my house. I was all for it! However, I had no clue that the days and weeks would continue to extend. On the surface, I felt/feel completely fine. I am happy, safe at home, and get to spend time with my children while dancing (HELLO, CLUB QUARANTINE!). These are all the things that I absolutely LOVE doing. But then, yesterday May 27, 2020, something shifted for me while I was on a virtual call with my doctor. I asked him to refill my Xanax to help with the anxiety attacks that I occasionally¬†will get, and he proceeded to refill per usual. He stops and asks me “How is everything else going. how are YOU doing?” and right then and there, I was triggered. Tears came rushing down my face and I could not hold back the tears that I didn’t even know that I had. I thought everything was okay. Little did I know, I was mentally exhausted and just so drained. I am very thankful to be home with the kids and that we are all safe, but being thankful doesn’t make this situation easier. My doctor then prescribed me Xanax (anxiety) and Zoloft (typically used for depression). I haven’t been on Zoloft since I had Rori back in 2015 when I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Do I honestly feel depressed? NO. But, what does depression feel/look like? I¬†may not have symptoms of being in the dark, harmful to self or others, but my moods are scattered and continuously fluctuating. Do I feel happy? YES. I am a genuinely happy person lot of the time and really enjoy just dancing and having fun with my children. However, that doesn’t mean that happy people can’t have bad days.

  • I am a mom
  • I am a teacher
  • I am an entertainer
  • I am a chef
  • I am a housekeeper
  • I am a worker
  • I am a student
  • I am a human being

I am wearing so many different hats in just one day and multiply that by 72 days of quarantine is EXHAUSTING.

I love keeping my blog fun and lighthearted. This was not easy for me to share and being vulnerable really isn’t my area of comfort. I don’t want people to judge and feel that I am weak or easily crumbled. I don’t ever want people to give me the sad eyes. All of these reasons are why I went back and forth on posting this, but I knew that if I am going through hard times, then many of you probably are as well. I am here. I see you. You are not alone.

 

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